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So, for the past couple of days, my computer intermittenty decided it didn't have a wireless card. Thanks so much, laptop. I think it's just angry because one of the fans broke (this seems to happen every summer) and so tends to be approximately the temperature of the sun's surface when turned on. I've gotta say, I understand. I've pretty much been melting the last few weeks. As much as I really don't want to leave, I will NOT miss the heat. It's worse not having a job with air conditioning to go to. Now, just to clarify, our house does have an air conditioner. But there's a patio roof built over it, so the hot air the AC expels? It just gets sucked back up. Our AC isn't exactly at its best. It means it's pretty humid in here- which I apparently deal less well with than most people. Stupid water, hanging out in my air, making me constantly sweaty and gross. B| Luckily, our pool's been fixed for awhile, and we pretty much get in it every afternoon to cool off. It's the best pool ever, with an 8-9 foot deep end. The new pump is strong enough that it builds a current that runs through the whole pool- you can float around in circles like a lazy river. It's wonderful. I just finished my last assignment for school. So, as long as I get my exit interview with financial aid done, I should be ready to graduate with an Associate's Degree in Accounting! I think. ...I'm going to have to go ask someone. It's more difficult when you're taking classes online and you never actually see your advisor (who never knows anything anyway). AND I have to find out my financial situation. I'm terrified that some odd loophole is going to mean that I'll get my insurance taken away from me, which- I've been assured by three or four people that it's not, but...things are too vague. I need to clear it up. But instead I'm writing this post. Hooray, procrastination! :D ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) theoregontrail promises shenanigans. I think I'm going to have to give it a try, regardless of a lack of time. And now I've run out of procrastination material. I better go do what I'm supposed to, before I let myself get sucked in by TV Tropes again. Horrible, horrible place.
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To do before I leave Florida (third week of July):- Moving budget (remember boxes)- Straighten out the days we’ll be traveling- Rental Truck Van? - Figure out a route- Figure out how to transfer my car and car loan to Dan- Find out about disability- Possibly apply for disability (bleh) can't till move is complete. - Show Dan how to feed the snakes- Set up budget stuff for Dan- Decide whether I’m taking my TV Nope. So not enough room. - Packing - Complete my last class Ahaha COMPLETE. :D - Graduate (Accounting degree, yay!)- Tell parents about school loans (...boooo)- Go through my clothes, trash ones that should be trashed (I currently have two wardrobes worth of clothes, of which I wear maybe 10% regularly) - Make sure the pool gets fixed- Swimming (I love swimming- it's the only time I don't feel like my body royally sucks)- Go to the beach at least once ('cause...it's here) - Pool party It was awesome.- Refill prescriptions: Lyrica, Yaz, weird cream thing, Savella, thyroid, and Metformin- Make sure computers are properly backed up- Warn RP groups of upcoming hiatus (best to wait until it's closer) - Snap poly!Sylar before this (well on my way)- Figure out what to do with my knives (what? It's a valid question)- Take old electronics to the ebay store (alternatively-- anyone want a barely used PSP, an iPhone with a cracked screen, an 80 GB Zune with a bad HD, or a perfectly good 30 GB Zune?)- Say goodbye to my Target (blar. I will miss it)- Figure out basic insurance issues (cost of COBRA)- Get my Dexter s2 back from Donald- Get Cloverfield back from Nick- Plan stuff to do while Dan is in Colorado- Clean up the Crazy Table (i.e. the prop from Number 23 and my nightstand) - Take more pictures- Get Silent Hill 2 and 4 on my computer…somehow (I love those damn games)- See if my lappy needs another new fan (this'd be the third time I'd have to get it replaced :P ) (After I move)- Drive up and down A1A one last time - Say goodbye to my car (;_______;)- IHOP with friendsAh, I actually do feel a little better. I think that's everything. I just gotta keep working when I'm feeling good, get as much done as I can when I'm doing all right, and this shouldn't be a problem. This was also a good deterrent for picking up new characters. XD Sorry, Ted, you stay in the box for awhile longer. Tags: cloverfield, dexter, home, rp, school, the number 23, travel
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It's been a long time since I've written about what's going on with me. This is not for lack of events. I think I've just been waiting until I had some serious word to give on the health stuff. Also, I've been kind of floundering in the health department, and I didn't really want to write when I was feeling all whiny. Anyway! I am now officially diagnosed with a chiari malformation. This was the picture that did it: ( LOOK, it's my brain. :D )It also means that I'm pretty decided- I'm moving back to Colorado with my parents. If I can't get rid of this whole thing where I faint, I can't exactly work reliably with...anyone. And maybe it'll go away, but so far it just seems to be getting worse. I can't really stand and walk for more than twenty minutes before I start getting woozy. So- I'll be back home where I might be able to manage an at-home accounting consulting position. I don't want to move, but I do miss Colorado, and my family. So I guess that'll be something. It does feel good to have that settled. I hate important decisions floating in the air more than just about anything else. I'm really going to miss this place, though. And the few people I do know here. And the beach. Eh- I'm trying not to think about it too much. I have until mid-July. Now, onto the other, possibly more important things. Like STAR TREK( Which also happened to be right before my birthday. )Oh, and upon coming back, I found out about ontd_startrek, which is the best community ever. For me, anyway- although I'm a huge lurker. >_> I don't have much to contribute, other than :D :D :D Well, and maybe some Zach Quinto pictures. But I don't want to let onto my giant secret Heroes cast gallery. ....okay, too late. Also, we're watching Buffy....yes, again, for some reason. We have all these new things, and we're watching something we've both seen. But it's good! We've already made it all the way up to the start of Season 4. Mmmm, college. Current Mood:  hopeful
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Okay, so! A meme. (it's been far too long and you know it) Ask me a question about my roleplaying characters in context of the game. It can be any question, about relationships, history, plans, what they're doing right now, romance, what they want to do, their favorite comfort foods, anything. It just has to be about the character in game context. I will do my best to answer the question in as much detail as possible.Feel free to ask questions of old and retired characters, too! I've been superbusy of late and I miss playing most of them. :P Also, because I'm really only playing one character right now. >_>
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My doctors narrowed this down to one of two possibilities: 1) it's straight-out fibromyalgia, I'm in a bad spell, and something completely separate and random is causing my fainting issues; or 2) I have a chiari malformation, which would cause all my symptoms. They're both essentially treated the same, as the only way to 'cure' a chiari problem is to do surgery on the opening to the skull in the back of the head. They only do this surgery if the patient is severely incapacitated.
I talked to my Dad about my current situation. He said that it's looking unlikely that I'll be able to reliably support myself anywhere, and I think I probably agree with that. It hurts to say, but that's just how it is. If I kept pushing, I'd either have a serious accident on the job or I'd develop more serious symptoms until I literally couldn't walk again.
I feel like I'm whining even now, writing this. Like I'm trying to justify myself for making the decision I've already made.
My parents want to support me, but to do that I have to move back in with them. I don't really see any other option, unless I want to do worse and worse at my near-minimum-wage job and rack up more medical-related debt until they finally fire me. I'm lucky to have parents to do that for me.
But I don't want to leave. This house in Daytona is my home and I want to keep it that way. I love Dan and I don't want to live 2000 miles away from him. I'm going to look into online positions, see if there's anything I can get accountingwise with no real experience, but I'm not holding out too much hope.
Going back to Colorado is giving up. It's admitting that "yeah, I don't think I can build anything out of my life." It's not like I won't still try, but what can I build out of needing flexible hours to work around my random days of "I hurt so bad I can't pay attention to anything else"? What can I plan for at this point that won't implode in on itself like the last three 'plans for my life' I've had?
Change is coming. Usually I look forward to it, but not when it's putting me right back where I started.
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Blarrrgh. I have a five page research paper on the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act due tomorrow, and I woke up with my migraine back in full force today. I have not yet started this research paper, because I've been doing my best to feel better in between MRIs, VNGs, and various other crazy medical tests, so my classwork's been moving along at a snail's pace.
I love research papers (I know, I'm a weirdo), but I just...cannot write a long one on a boring subject in one day. So I am trying to force my brain to work and all it is giving me is- well, it's not helpful, let's put it that way.
ARGH. I thought I'd have so much extra time, taking a break from working- I figured I could RP more, and start applying for other jobs, catch up with people I haven't been talking to, clean the house, etc. But apparently, this just means that all the health issues I've been holding in for work are finally busting out now and hitting me hard. Three out of the past seven days have been spent feeling too crappy to move from my spot, let alone accomplish anything.
I'm getting a little scared. I can't work, at Target or in an office, if I'm going to be too sick to do anything on a randomly-picked half of my days. I need to work. I need to have something to show for my life other than the fact that I started it. There's a lot of things I'd be satisfied with, but...all of them require that I am up and about 80% of the time.
I'm scared. And whiny, I know some people have less than this. A lot of people do. I don't want to lose what I have, I guess. And I don't want all the time and effort and money to amount to nothing.
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So, I've mostly been waiting to ffind out my situation before I commented. A week before Monday, I walked into work with an order from my neurologist that I was only to be on 'light duty' or 'sedentary duty'. A week before yesterday was my last day at work. My schedule was suddenly cleared out and my boss said to me, "We don't have any obligation to give you any hours. So we're not."
I freaked out a little, I have to admit.
So I tried to figure out wtf was going on, and after missing my HR rep several times (he actually admitted to dodging me until he could find out more, and he apologized), I finally caught him on Tuesday. Apparently, I qualify for short-term disability, which means I'd be getting half my paycheck. Which is still not enough to cover everything, but come on, that's way better than nothing. I guess I'd been paying an extra $4 a paycheck to have it.
So I'm thrilled with how that turned out. I was all worried about losing my insurance and having to go on COBRA or...anything. And now I'm getting disability. Or will be. Also, I vaguely disliked my boss before- now I hate him. But hey, I won't have to see him for awhile. And the HR guy is good. Target restores my faith once again.
I've done some budget rearranging so that it's a little easier for me to handle things. My parents are being awesome and stepping in for what I need help with, which hopefully won't be much...they don't want me getting in debt due to medical bills again. My parents are wonderful.
My Business Law class is being a pain in the ass- or maybe it's just because I'm still feeling crummy (it's still difficult for me to be awake a lot of the time, and I'm in pain a lot, but nothing near when I was working), but the amount of work for it is staggering. Thank freakin' god for this leave of absense thing, because I don't think I'd make it, otherwise.
Went to a neurosurgeon today- he said I might have a ruptured disc in the low cervical region- but they almost never operate on those, and they go away eventually. He was worried about the fainting, but doesn't think it's something surgery can fix, so....he wasn't going to be any help there. But he got me muscle relaxants and an order for physical therapy, and I really appreciate both of those.
Spoilers are getting me really excited for the next few episodes of Heroes. ....of course, I was really excited for the flashback episode in Volume 3, too, and we all know how that turned out. :P Hopefully, this will stay true to course. It looks like it will be.
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Apparently I need to see a neurosurgeon next. :/ They think I've got a pinched nerve at C8, which is just below where i had my diskectomy, and they ALSO think that the fainting is cause by the Vagus nerve being pinched. They think that the Vagus nerve is being 'activated' which is causing my fainting. This is...apparently fairly serious, and they've given me an order to not lift anything over ten pounds, and to not stand while working. This means that instead of working in Electronics, I'll likely be putting signs into signholders for 32 hours a week. :/ But we'll see. I'm going to petition to sit at the Electronics desk and help people from there, because otherwise I will die of boredom. Blar, I knew this wasn't good, but now it looks like it's going to take forever too. I'm trying to feel better about actually taking care of it, but...eh. In better news, my final for Management is done and I pretty much aced the class. :D I have Business Law next, which will probably suck more, but I won't be killing myself with overwork by then, so maybe I'll be okay. Thanks to everyone who wished me well in my last post- I really do appreciate it. <3 You guys really don't have to read my health-whining, but thanks for being worried about me.
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I'm doing a little better since my last post. We're almost done with tests...the last is tomorrow, and I'm hoping I get to talk with the doctor and figure some of this out. I have to be careful- when I go to the doctor, I have the tendency to leave stuff out, partially because I'm worried I'll sound like I'm whining, and partially because there..er, tends to be a lot. In an effort to be ready, I'm writing down all my symptoms, and hopefully it'll come together into...something. ( Increasing Symptoms )tl;dr, this is not cool, and I can't keep working like this. So hopefully the doctor will have something I can try that doesn't involve surgery or another round of those TP injections, because those suck. Today's test was an EMG, which involves sticking needles in my muscles and seeing what comes of it. ;-) Unfortunately, there was also a nerve conduction test, which is basically sending an electric shock through the arm to see how the pathways are operating. Usually it's not too bad for people, but if you've got fibromyalgis....it sucks. This woman was merciful when she found out, though, and only did one arm, and stayed away completely from my neck. She thought I might have a problem at C8, which is just below where I had surgery. I wouldn't be surprised. ....but that's a surgery thing, and I shouldn't need more surgery things, dammit, I just had spinal surgery and I'm not even 30 yet. :P *pouts*
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So this past week I've been learning new lessons in Pain Management. The fact that I had anything to learn was news to me, but apparently, I hadn't hurt the most I could hurt.
Thank you, fibromyalgia, for teaching me otherwise. I didn't even know where I was for half of Monday night. This has reached rather ridiculous proportions.
I had been terrified of things going back to the way they were- me feeling bad all the time but not looking it, me failing at the job I was being paid to do because I couldn't focus, me being told I can't handle anything and no one could figure out why. Anxiety, is the word they bat around when that would happen. I knew that wasn't it, that there was something else, but the doctors wouldn't believe me. 'Anxiety' took my graduate fellowship from me....until they found out I had serious spinal problems, three years later, as well as a chronic condition that is only now being recognized for what it is.
I didn't want that slow decline into uselessness. Of course not, no one does. But at the moment I seem to be having a rapid decline into uselessness.
I called out from work again today because I'm dizzy even sitting up. This is not normal-dizzy. This is "o hay I feel faint oh there's the floor *splat*" sort of dizzy. Suddenly, I can't even drive five miles without significant preparation, my neck is one solid mass of pain, and I'm flaring constantly. I have to drink a gallon of caffeine to get the slightest release of the choked migraine pain in my neck (which I fear the backlash of, so no worries, I'm not doing that again). I seem to have carpal tunnel in my right hand again, I can't hold anything more than five pounds without dropping it and I get easily confused to the point of being unable to process words when I've been standing for over an hour.
In other words, I'm pretty much an invalid. Again.
tl;dr This fucking sucks.
And I'm now terrified that I'm going to have to fly back up to live with my parents where I will be capable of doing nothing the rest of my life. (Even then I'd have hopes, of writing something big and important, but I know from experience that if I'm constantly in pain I'm going to have a difficult time being creative)
I really hate not knowing what's going on.
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Ooookay. So I haven't updated in awhile. I've been ill- yes again, shut up. I'd been avoiding going to a specialist because...well, they are 60 bucks a pop. I don't have that sort of money.
But I'd been having brownouts at work, having to call out a lot, and- er, the three-week-long migraine made that decision for me. So today I went to the neurologist. And I almost passed out in the office after the doctor poked at my the most painful spot in my back. I could practically see my number of tests going up from two to seven.
They talked about a lot of different possibilities at the neurologists, after questioning me heavily. Some of them are serious and some of them aren't. I'm going in tomorrow for trigger point injections, which....I didn't know existed. But hey! Hopefully it'll help.
I really am not looking forward to getting into this again, the whole every-day-I-have-off-is-a-doctor's-appointment thing. But it's necessary now. I'm trying not to be too emo about it, at the moment. Right now I just know I have to get ready for it.
Anyway, enough of that! I recently went to Megacon, which was awesome. I need to post pictures- I got some amazing ones. That was my first time wandering around with a giant camera- it's really a different experience. We heard an anime comedian talk about random things. He was pretty good. We also saw a panel about turning comics into movies. Thinking back, it'd been about six years since my last con....wow. Megacon was MUCH smaller this year, about half the size. But still awesome.
I also went and saw Watchmen with Nick and met Terana that night, and that was also very fun. The movie was beautiful, and it brought up some really interesting discussions about the 1980s and people's viewpoints during that time. I really liked the characters, and I might be able to manage reading the comic now. >____> It was also mentioned that maybe I should go play a character or two in the Narrows, and I've been thinking about that. I miss the real short time I was playing Gordon.
Speaking of- RPing is going well, the little of it I can do. I've finally been able to play recently, now that my tax class is over. At some point, I'll be able to play more than just Sylar. XD But...oh well. I'm having fun with what I have. If nothing else, I'll be able to play more once I'm out of school in July.
Apologies for being bad about replying to people. I do watch my friend's list, I've just gotta let it fly by in between sleep and going to work. I hope the cloud of melancholy has passed over most people and it's getting sunny again.
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Okay, so- things are pretty good right now. And like usual for me, it took a trip to the movies for me to realize that.
I've been working on feeling better and productive the past four days- I've had them off from work, and it's been....restorative. I'd hoped to get more done, but- damn, I had a lot planned. So we'll see how much I can work on tomorrow, and hopefully I'll actually get out into the good weather.
It's race week here in Daytona. The Daytona 500 tomorrow, and for once I'm not working during it. It's so wonderful. Between that and the holiday season, I have a rough time with the traffic.
They're finally cutting hours from everyone at my work. This means that I'm working 35 hours instead of 40- which is what I was asking for anyway. So hooray for that! But....most of the times I am working, I'm the only one there. It's okay, we haven't been too busy and I know how to juggle. But it's worrying for the future of the store. I really need to find another job. >_>
The tax accounting class I'm taking now is....wow, okay. I hate the government so much more now. Just...SO arbitrary. grrr.
As for good things:
-I have two snakes.
-I have pretty hair.
-I have some plans.
-I have too much to do.
-I have a happy cat curled up next to me.
-I have a fancy camera I should use more often.
-I have nice clothes and a comfortable bed.
-I have medical coverage and a good doctor and no major issues right now.
-I have a place to live where I can be myself.
This is pretty nice.
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Okay, so- I broke my Zune the other day. Dropped it on the floor and now it doesn't work. Really annoying, but- well, I did drop it, and yeah, maybe Microsoft's full of jerks who won't even repair it if I pay them, and so maybe I DID just get a Pass for three months that would let me play any song I want on there, but- and I'm trying to stay calm because I don't have time to mess with it- it is just a music player. And I've always got my iPhone, if I need to get away from coworkers and/or take my mind of work while on break. I woke up today to find spiderweb cracks all along my iPhone screen. I dropped it yesterday, yeah, but it was FINE. So far, it still works, but- fuck, man. As soon as it's kaput...I can't get a new one. I can't afford the monthly cost for the 3Gs, even if I could afford the phone itself (which, of course, I can't). So...within a week, I've broken two highly expensive items that I have no hope of replacing anytime this year. Once my phone goes, I'll have even less of an ability to RP than I do now. Awesome. I really don't want to have to cut it out entirely, guys. ..... augh. Still don't have anywhere near my homework done, I feel very ill, and now I appear to be breaking everything in sight, which may have to do with me having to take three times the amount of lyrica I usually do every day to deal with muscle pain. Go me. Having serious doubts about being able to find a job after I get my AA, and that's not helping anything, either. Everything breaking is just kinda the last straw. Edit: My phone still works, for now- at least there's that. It won't sync with my laptop, which is...honestly not new. Ahwell. So I can use the phone with merely the fears of my protective film coming off or the vague possibility of bits of glass in my ear. I think I've had a migraine since last night- my head wasn't working then, either. I really should just sleep, but now I definitely don't have time. Edit #2: ....and I just lost my data from my final project. Is there a hole I can just go hide in, until my life stops failing? A ditch maybe? Because I think I'm done. Current Mood:  pessimistic
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My goodness, I'm busy. Apparently when my school decides to double-layer my classes (my last week of one class and my first week of my next class), my work decided to schedule me overtime.
But- I'm not complaining! Er, much. I've put in for a vacation, and it's during the races. So I don't have to deal with being hit on by toothless guys during the Daytona 500, or with driving around along with 300,000 or however many people. I'll be staying right here and NOT going near those cars. Maybe I'll finally make it up to St. Augustine, finally. I dunno, I'll see what I feel like.
So I'm looking forward to not having to scramble for school. Maybe I'll actually have time to relax.
I do want to apologize to people I RP with- I've been really sporadic with my playing lately. I wasn't expecting to have such a crap work schedule. I am having lots of fun in the few places I'm playing, but I feel like I'm missing out....
But then, I almost always feel like I'm missing out. I want to do everything ever.
At least I know I'll definitely do some of it.
Right now, I am watching Comedy Central's Roasts of Pamela Andersen with Dan and my friend Mike. It's probably less productive than I should be. But right now it's just awesome.
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You ever have one of those days where you just...can't stand where you are anymore? Work, or school, or- I don't know, volunteer something or other? Where you're standing there and you just go "There is no way I can possibly take another hour of this, much less five"? You ever think, "If one more moronic piece of crap bothers me today, questioning me about something that has all the answers displayed out for them in GIANT RED LETTERS already, I'm going to stick my pen as far into their eye as it can go. Maybe I can actually cause some brain damage."? How about, "If I hear that song again, I will destroy everything in this room that is making it. I think there's some baseball bats down the hall"? And then you do nothing because you'd really rather not go to jail, you just sit there and field all those dumb questions with a smile on your face, because that's your JOB, and you're damn lucky to have it. Or so people keep telling you. These are not the same people that have the IQ of oatmeal, but you wish they were so you could scream at them to fuck off. And all you can think is "I am so much fucking smarter than this. Why the hell am I doing this?" But you know the answer. It's the same reason you keep smiling that fake fucking smile as you work. It's the same reason nothing ever happens in your life. It's the reason you're craving a tiny cubicle and elevator music and 'casual Fridays' instead of whining about how you want to get out of it. It's because you never talk to people. Not unless you absolutely have to. You not only have no networking skills, you actively rail against them. Because that's easier than admitting that you're not sure you could do the work you started at school. That's easier than facing your self-doubt. Good job, smartass. So what the fuck are you going to do now? Current Mood:  enraged
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Okay, so I disappeared for a few days- this is mostly due to my lack of laptop. :/ I thought they'd send it back quick- all they have to do is replace the keyboard! But I forgot the holidays, so they just got it and- ohman, I forgot how much I like it. I'm going to whine pretty much constantly until i have it back. Sorry, people in the house. I got a Macy's gift card! From my uncle in Oregon who I haven't heard from in two years! He sent it with a poem, which he said was to "help get me into the Christmas spirit". ....I love my uncle sometimes- because as completely ODD as this poem was, it was actually one of the few things that could do such a thing. We are a family of weirdos, and it makes me wonder if John's seen Heroes. So I went to Macy's and got a popcorn maker, a quesadilla maker, an electric teapot, and wine glasses. And we have made SO much popcorn the last few days. It is a cornucopia of popcorn. And also tea. Man, I forgot how much I love tea. I need to go get some fancy teas with my Walmart gift card or something. And the quesadilla maker is also awesome, as it toasts the tortillas just right and also sections it out. eeee. Thank you, weird uncle in Oregon. I <3 you. I've been way lax on my memes lately- especially since I've seen a bunch I actually want to do. So here's one, taken from both ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) cazrolime and lienne, and I'll post the icon one once I figure out the coding, and the Kinsey one....I don't know if I can even tackle that one, my characters tend to be rather odd with their preferences. >_> ANYWAY. ( Roleplaying Meme, go! )Tags: i am a fanthing, meme, my family is so normal its weird
Current Mood:  cheerful
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